The Zen of Sarcasm

 
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
     not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
     Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
     much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
     broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're
     going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's
     the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
     you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like   
     everyone else.

 
6. Never test the depth of the water with both
    feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
     missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should
     walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
     you criticize them, you're a mile away and
     you have their shoes.   

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
     probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
      Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
      and drink beer all day.(I can vouche for that one)

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see
      that person again, it was probably a wise
     investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
     remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days
      you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to
      know them.

15 . The quickest way to double your money is
      to fold it in half and put it back in
      your pocket.

16.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light
      side and a dark side, and it holds the
     universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with
      women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
      much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get
      until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take
      a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
      same night.